hookah bar

yesterday we went to cozy cafe, a hookah bar in nyc.  I dragged my huggles there  for the fun as well. recently, i've been worried about my social life.  As we went to the outing, i got a bit annoyed at juan for being late and not knowing where the lit took me awhile that i didn't even realize it's also notocation is. Being an anal person myself, it took me some time to cool off. I realized that it was my fault for not texting him the addy.. since he can't write things down correctly...


it really does show that he can't live w/o me huh?


anyways, more about the group that we chilled with... i met some cool peole there. it would be nice to meet more of the girls,
but i didn't have the guts to talk to them... sadly i am shy when it comes to girls. there were three girls, mostly younger than me. I felt a bit out, because I  really can't relate much to them.. all girls were single.

the men were cool. mostly professionals. two talked mostly about their travels and their successes. at one point i felt..... dumb. here i am with no law degree or any type, yet i can still somehow intellectually level with them. it kind of bothers me how i haven't finished school yet; but i do feel abit accomplished that i have a job and surrounded with nice things. some how the person in me wants to do more. I want to travel more, get my degrees, and  be rich in life, not money.


i just hope one day, i get to that point. i want to have a doctorate, a law degree, pass the bar, and be an ingenious person....  and actually enjoy life.  

yesterday was something that i need.ed i met young people around my age who are accomplished. people who i want to become. and the people i want to be better from. 

I went to  a favorite Chinese- Filipino store in Bloomfield. I was hovering around the store. Then, while I check out to the register, I saw.. him.

Our eyes met. I looked at him hard. So hard, so that my brain can remember him. He looked at me.

My long time crush, my supposed guy of my dreams. Him. He was the reason why I hated filipino guys. He was the reason why I will never be with one. Yet for some odd reason, I realized I had placed him in the back of my mind and a small old section where cobwebs and dark holes exists in my heart. I never knew I would love/hate the guy in an unrequited manner. He doesn't even know it nor see that I existed.

Wait a second, I think he did. He went to class with me in hs, accounting actually. I remember his birthday, his full name and  sadly, he sat in the back with me.

He didn't changed. He looked  amazing. He's still tall, dark, handsome.Yes- he's actually the only filipino guy I had ever laid my eyes on and actually loved from afar. He's soo... UGH I just wish I could have said something. I just wish I knew the real truth behind him.

The stories about him. He supposedly to love white girls only, hating filipino girls. He was supposedly known to be gay too. Or so I've heard. Stories about him, hindered me to pursue him.

Sadly, I never did utter or exchanged words w. him. in fact, every three years I see him at some store. It's been three years and I haven't had a clue on how to approach him... it's sad. He's the only guy that could bring the little girl in me without saying a tiny phrase.

I can't believe I still have a crush on him. I still can't believe he can rush a mix of feelings back to my heart that way. I just get emotional, and man- it really gets me. His mysterious air just enchants me.

I know, it's pathetic. I've actually met guys 10x good looking after him. But, something about him makes me want to just.. melt.

So I turned around, spoke to my mom and my sister in tagalog and kapampangan.

My sister whispered, it's "W isn't it?" My mom turned around, and did her usual talk.

I didn't release a sound, turned cold and walked away  from the register. I saw him leave;  I hope that I will never see him again.

The Wistful Mistress in me- long ago knew that I will never be with him. Sounding so cowardly, so sadly, to wish to  somehow be with him- is impossible. So I decided to open my heart to someone else, I promised to secretly love him in the way I do, so he can be somehow be a part of me.Maybe in another lifetime, I will see him.

it's a ruined day.

what i wanted to do

1. i told him i wanted to go to the beach just us, even if his or my  friends are not around in the morning, to avoid traffic and heat.

2. i told him i wanted to check a boarwalk, possibly ocean city, or coney island.

3. i told him i wanted to see a museum, park, or aquarium,

4. i told him i wanted to have a picnic with him and eat ice cream.

5. i told him i wanted to watch the fireworks with him

6. i told him i wanted to drink at home with him.

what he did

1. after waking and reminding him, he just called his friend and ordered me to cook him breakfast. i made breakfast, hoping he would wake up and do something with me. he ended up watching tv for 30 mins. Took a shower. It was already 1 in the afternoon.

2. he went to the mall by himself. i waited for the bus. he accosted me, i made up my mind.  i went to coney island; walked around abit.

3. he went to his friend's house. i check out morgan museum quickly; for about 20, and left.

4. he was out. prior him leaving the mall, i went to a nearby park, walked the dog alone. while in 42nd street, i went to buy coldstone.

5. he came home. i told him not to go with me. he wanted to go out to his friend's house. i watched fireworks by myself in the car. i saw north arlington's fireworks. i then drove near bhs. then i went to clifton, and went home.

6. he's out somewhere i don't know. i made mojitos for myself. took a shower. cried. now getting ready to sleep to get ready for tomorrow. 

all he said was "i'm sorry." it's not enough, it's played out. i'm really let down now. to think he'd realize it's the only time he has no work and the only time i'm not busy. to think he'd realize he actually has some idea on how to spend his time with me. his dog yelps for attention, and even the dog knows more and appreciates going out.

i'm devastated.

i wish.. with me.. i dont know. i'm really hurt.

'bye.